Deborah’s Home Death and Vigil 2008

THE HOME DEATH AND VIGIL  FOR DEBORAH 

Embracing death with grace, dignity and faith by Lauren Carlson-Vohs      (a reflection on Deborah’s passing and vigil from a good friend)  

A dear friend’s valiant journey with cancer ended recently.  Only in the last days before her passing did she reluctantly let go of her steadfast resolve that she would beat this disease, that a miracle could still happen.  And in those last days people streamed in and out of the home, mourning the pending loss of this very special soul.  

Stepping into the home, one felt as though time was left at the doorstep.  An ethereal energy filled the home as friends and family moved about quietly, realizing the sacred, sorrowful moment that was upon us.  And as she shifted in and out of sleep, and gradually into unconsciousness, she graciously accepted all the love with touching words and her beautiful smile for which she will always be remembered.  

Chairs lined her bedroom and were often filled with people, some meeting one another for the first time, all sharing in this moving communion of saying goodbye.  Songs were sung, lyre and guitar played, inspirational readings read, prayers offered, memories shared and comforting stories told of others’ experiences crossing over.  At times people sat silently in prayer.  In another moment people joined in to quietly hum “Amazing Grace.” 

I have never witnessed such love and caring surrounding anyone’s passing.  Amazingly it continued on past her death, since the family consciously chose to have a 72-hour vigil in the home during which time someone was always at her side. This was done to aid in her spirit’s transition and to be of comfort in the grieving process of family and friends.  

It was a moving experience I shall never forget, one that leaves a person forever changed.  Too often we are isolated from the dying process and our final goodbyes seem too brief and often incomplete.  We should all be blessed with such a fond passing where one’s transition is so lovingly embraced, one’s life so beautifully honored and celebrated.

 

This is the story of a family’s wish for a home vigil (sometimes called a home funeral).

Deborah passed away Jan 21, 2008  having lived with cancer for over 1 1/2 years. She was the loving mother of two girls,  aged 10 and 12, the wife of David.  Both David and Deborah wished for a home vigil, so that family and friends could say goodbye in the loving environment of the their home.      Community members were prepared and ready to help with all aspects of this care.  The article above speaks of a special time two days before her death when Deborah slipped into a coma   David contacted friends and family so they could say goodby to their dear friend. Community members came and prepared the home and set the tone for this threshold of death, and for the three day vigil. She died at home in Hospice Care.

See the  Home Death Care Section for details about a home vigil, including the support for family, practical aspects of body care, legal guidelines, and working with a funeral home.   

BEHIND THE SCENES:How this Vigil came about and how it supported the family and community :(written by Linda Bergh)

David’s request for future help  June 2006:  After David’s wife Deborah was faced with cancer metasizing to her bone, David asked if I would help with the crossing of his beloved Deborah when that time came. 

Preparation Meeting Six Days before Deborah’s Passing:   In January of 2008, when she was in Hospice, and failing, David felt it was time to prepare. She went into a coma four days later.  He and I met to go over his wishes and questions. We knew that close friends and some community members would be willing to help. 

David’s inner wishes became a list  of actions others could fulfill 

Wish to contact the community : A friend sent email notice, approved by David, the variety  to family, school parents, work colleagues, friends,  This letter included an explanation of a three day vigil,ways people could be involved.

Contacting the Cremation Society: David contacted them to make the arrangements for picking up the body after the three days, for the cremation , and for the paperwork, including the death certificate   

Casket:  David chose to use a community casket provided by the Twin Cities Threshold Group.   The casket was lined in purple silk by a group of friends on Thursday eve, and then delivered to their home on Saturday morning.  David chose to have the casket come to its place in the room where the vigil would be held that day, as a part of the preparation for her crossing, which he knew was imminent.  

Sacred body washing and preparation:  David chose close friends to be present with him the morning of Deborah’s passing to prepare her body (washing, blessing, dressing).  The girls choose her dress.  It was a very intimate and special time of saying goodby.    Then her body was placed in the casket.   

Preparation for the Vigil    Many friends and family prepared the space for vigil. Pictures of Deborah and her family;  Beauty of silks, candles and flowers.  In choosing the room for the vigil, David decided to have a quiet small semi-private space, leaving the living,dining, kitchen rooms as social areas where families and children could converse, eat, and play normally and people could chose to go and spend time in the vigil space.

 The Vigil:  After Deborah crossed over,  friends of all ages came to support the family and say goodby, bringing songs, poems, pictures, and mostly themselves, to be with David and the girls.  Sometimes there was one person in the vigil room, sometimes many people singing or talking. And in the rest of the home, people were gathered to remember, and eat, and share.  The children who came were able to play with the two girls, bringing an aliveness and joy along with the deep sadness and sorrow.    

Vigil Readers/Holders : Every hour of the three days  someone was with Deborah in the quiet vigil area to hold her soul/spirit  and share what they wished.  It could include silence, prayer, reading, singing, playing, stories, conversation.   People could e mail or call one organizer.

Hearth Holders :  Two people were at the home at all times to support any needs for family, or guests.  These friends greeted family and friends, kept the kitchen clean, made sure there was enough food,and saw what was needed for the children.                     

After the Vigil.   The casket closing  David gathered with close friends at the end of the three days when the casket was closed.  It was a further moment of saying goodby. Special roses were given by the girls to each person before he or she spoke. These roses went inside the casket with Deborah for her journey 

  The Cremation   David wished to accompany Deborah’s body to the cremation. The Cremation Society hearse came, and the same group of friends and family followed the hearse to the Crematorium.    It is a very final goodby, and a challenging moment.  

   A Gathering for closure  :  After leaving the Crematorium, David and  this group of family and friends gathered at a nearby restaurant to be together after these intense times.  It was very important to breathe out.        

Memorial :  David’s decision was to have a Life Celebration in May, so that he could focus on being present to the three days and on saying goodby without feeling overwhelmed.